Uneasy

There are times when I feel like I just can't sleep, when I just don't want to sleep. I just want to stay up all night despite my sleepy eyes that are begging to be shielded from bright light. I just want to stay up and welcome any random thought that enters my mind. My mind is constantly running, it's constantly active. I feel uneasy. I feel like I need to resolve something.

It's always because there's something that went wrong during the day. There are few things that have been bugging me lately:

• My annoyance that I'm at home. I'm annoyed that I'm annoyed. I should be grateful that I'm here, that I have a family to welcome me and that will be there for me. But the thing is that I'm putting this annoyance upon myself. I'm causing it myself. No one's doing this to me, so I don't have anyone else to blame. I'm doing this to myself, which makes it that much more annoying. It's like I'm purposefully hurting myself.
  
• The fact that I don't have a way of making money right now and the fact that I'm spending a lot. I feel like I'm in no position right now to be giving gifts. I'm just a college student and I don't have a job. But at the same time I feel like during the holidays you're almost obligated to give people a materialistic gift to show that you care. Buying a gift and giving it someone doesn't even mean ANYTHING. People say it shows that you care, but honestly you could give a gift to a person you hate, but that doesn't mean that you care if you don't have the right feelings to go along with it. When it comes down to it, it really is the thought that counts. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with giving people gifts. I LOVE buying people stuff. In fact, I'm going to do more shopping tomorrow. Is that being contradictory? I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Someone help me out, please? The summary of the story is: I'm a total scrooge.
  

I guess I've never been much of a holiday person. I know the reasons why. But one thing that confuses me is why I seem to hate receiving gifts. I'm an only child and I was spoiled to death when I was younger when it came to birthdays and Christmas. Looking at past photos I SEEMED happy enough at all of my birthday parties. But now I feel like unwrapping gifts is one of the most awkward moments ever. I don't have a problem giving gifts--I have a problem receiving gifts. Is that weird?

I know I should be grateful. There is SO much to be grateful for: that I have a bed, that I have the time to just sit here and type this out, that I have people who care. I'm so annoyed that I'm not feeling it. This post absolutely goes against everything this entire blog was supposed to be about, but this holiday uneasiness and gift queasiness is so befuddling to me.

Grateful for:

Having opportunities and having the ability to at least try. There is ALWAYS a way. You just have to open up your mind and be creative. If it means harder work, then so be it--if it's what you really want, then it shouldn't matter. What should matter the most is that you got there. Giving up ain't in my vocabulary.

On your mark, get set............

Normally at this time of the school year I am gearing to go. I get my readings done ahead of time, assignments are done as soon as they are assigned, and I'm in this mindset where I feel like I can do anything and that 4.0 is totally doable. Time flies.

But ever since I got back on campus after that amazing night of Mraz at the Rose Garden, I've been feeling sluggish--not wanting to be here at all and wishing it was still 90 degrees--and actually wishing that I was still studying for the LSAT. Anything but being here and reading things I don't really care about. I feel stuck. Is it really only the eighth day of the quarter?

I feel like I've changed a lot over the summer. But I still have a lot to grow considering the state I'm in right now. If I was at my fullest potential I'd be happy. I wouldn't be caring about what my father thought. I would perhaps be reconsidering law school, if not considering going to a lesser-known school. I would just graduate this year, find some random, decent-paying job and live a comfy, peaceful lifestyle where I can live with no worries. I would do what I please and be happy. I wouldn't care so much about being wealthy and having nice things. I would move down to somewhere in California where it's summer all year long and wear flipflops and shorts everyday.

I know such a lifestyle isn't impossible. I could totally make that happen were it not for my father and his high expectations, were it not for my mom and her wish that I get a high-paying occupation. There have been times where I desired that luxurious lifestyle. I love clothes and shopping. I wanted to work in an office where it's all hustle-bustle. I wanted to feel important and live that high-class lifestyle with a nice car.

But lately I've been realizing that I just don't need it. I could be just as happy, if not even more happy, doing something else. But considering I'm still pursuing this unneeded lifestyle shows how much I still have to grow. I shouldn't be caring so much about what my parents want. I am my own person and I should be able to do what makes me happy. I could totally make this alternative lifestyle possible. But we'll see what happens.

Let death be your wisest advisor

Today before dinner I was as usual engrossed in LSAT studying, letting the stories of the local news enter my ear periodically. I heard the words "Hit-and-run" and welcomed this particular story in its entirety.

Normally I don't pay much mind to whatever's on the local news. It's the same thing everyday: a rape, a robbery, a murder, some outrageous new claim about what's healthy for our bodies, and the weather. Unfortunately, while a lot of these stories are sad and exemplify the current state of our world, it appears I've become immune to them.

But this particular hit-and-run occurred only 3 min away from where I lived. It's funny, isn't it? How because this story literally hit close to home (literally) I paid more attention to it? It reminds me of my philosophy class when we were discussing Peter Singer, who says:

"The fact that a person is physically near to us, so that we have personal contact with him, may make it more likely that we shall assist him, but this does not show that we ought to help him rather than another who happens to be further away. If we accept any principle of impartiality, universability, equality or whatever, we cannot discriminate against someone merely because he is too far away from us (or we are far away from him)."

Not exactly the same thing as I'm discussing here, so I digress.

Anyway, I open up my facebook and scrolling through the statuses on my home page I'm surprised at all of the RIP statuses attributed to a teacher who taught at my high school--a tall skinny man with white and gray hair with a matching large mustache. He wore large frames and I always saw him with his long white lab coat. I frowned and wondered how he had died--though I never had him as a teacher myself, he had always seemed like the most energetic, healthy man. Once in the hallway he had stopped me and exclaimed "HEY! I had a long, black ponytail like you did when I was younger." The first word that came to mind when I saw him was "goofy."

Mr. P had died in a hit-and-run only 3 min away from my house. I couldn't believe it. I was deeply saddened and surely in disbelief. I feel like death is something that will always affect people if it's even someone that you knew of remotely. Even Patrick Swayze's death had somewhat of an effect on me--I've never even seen any of his movies. I don't know why. Maybe it's because you know the world is just a little bit, even a teeny-tiny bit different with that person gone.

As I was thinking of Mr. P, I looked back and realized at how many deaths occurred in this past year. Of course, duh, people are dying all the time in countries across the world, but really we don't pay attention to this. As I'm typing right at this moment, there are several individuals who are dying. But when we look simply look at the statistics, we don't see the characters behind those deaths. They're just numbers. It's so dehumanizing. But everywhere there is a story to be told. Unfortunately, we don't know of them.

I remember a quote that my yoga teacher once told the class. She was a crazy woman and I wasn't too fond of her, but I will always remember this seemingly morbid, but uplifting quote:

"Let death be your wisest advisor."

Death is something a lot of people are scared of, but with so many people dying, let it help you. Let it remind you what life is for.

RIP, Mr. P.

Will this be my permanent blog?

Who knows. For the past several years, I bounced around from blog to blog. From Xanga to Xanga again, LiveJournal, Blogspot, WordPress, and now here I am at Blogspot again. I've always been so neurotic. WordPress was probably the blog where I blogged the most, but after revisiting it a few minutes ago, I felt so overwhelmed by all of these tabs and htmls that I decided to return to Blogspot. All I want to do is write. I don't need anything fancy. Although I might doodle around with pretty layouts when I'm done with this.

Summer is going by at an amazing pace. I've spent the past few months studying my ass off for this little test called the LSAT, and being unbelievably excited for the Jason Mraz concert in September. Finally I'll be able to see my all-time favorite musician in person.

Despite being a total hermit this summer, I feel extremely at peace with myself. I feel like I'm accomplishing something. Considering I haven't even taken the damn test yet, I know it seems like I haven't accomplished anything yet.

But I have fought off so many urges to just slack off and give up. I nearly let myself succumb to frustrations. But hey, look at me. Now I'm averaging -4 or -5 on the logical reasoning sections (compared to the -7 and -8 at the beginning) and I'm not giving up until I average -1 or -2. Then it's time to tackle the reading comprehension section.

I just spent last hour or so perusing Law School Numbers and looking at where I have the potential to get into, I am so excited to see where this road is going to turn after this following year. Just a good five months from now, I'll be getting phone calls from some of the nation's best schools. I am just SO excited.

Some of this may mean that I have to move out of the state away from my family, whom I've always been so close to. My mom is my best friend. I love her to shreds. But I realize that I really need this experience to just get out. I'm not scared.

Life is wonderful.
Embrace it.
Don't let anything hold you back.
Don't let the small things get to you and overcome you.
Take a deep breath and realize what you're worrying about.
Because in the end you'll realize you're worrying for nothing.
And in the end, you'll look back and realize how silly it was to waste your energy worrying.