Tuesday, December 22, 2009


There are times when I feel like I just can't sleep, when I just don't want to sleep. I just want to stay up all night despite my sleepy eyes that are begging to be shielded from bright light. I just want to stay up and welcome any random thought that enters my mind. My mind is constantly running, it's constantly active. I feel uneasy. I feel like I need to resolve something.

It's always because there's something that went wrong during the day. There are few things that have been bugging me lately:
  • My annoyance that I'm at home. I'm annoyed that I'm annoyed. I should be grateful that I'm here, that I have a family to welcome me and that will be there for me. But the thing is that I'm putting this annoyance upon myself. I'm causing it myself. No one's doing this to me, so I don't have anyone else to blame. I'm doing this to myself, which makes it that much more annoying. It's like I'm purposefully hurting myself.
  • The fact that I don't have a way of making money right now and the fact that I'm spending a lot. I feel like I'm in no position right now to be giving gifts. I'm just a college student and I don't have a job. But at the same time I feel like during the holidays you're almost obligated to give people a materialistic gift to show that you care. Buying a gift and giving it someone doesn't even mean ANYTHING. People say it shows that you care, but honestly you could give a gift to a person you hate, but that doesn't mean that you care if you don't have the right feelings to go along with it. When it comes down to it, it really is the thought that counts. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with giving people gifts. I LOVE buying people stuff. In fact, I'm going to do more shopping tomorrow. Is that being contradictory? I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Someone help me out, please? The summary of the story is: I'm a total scrooge.
I guess I've never been much of a holiday person. I know the reasons why. But one thing that confuses me is why I seem to hate receiving gifts. I'm an only child and I was spoiled to death when I was younger when it came to birthdays and Christmas. Looking at past photos I SEEMED happy enough at all of my birthday parties. But now I feel like unwrapping gifts is one of the most awkward moments ever. I don't have a problem giving gifts--I have a problem receiving gifts. Is that weird?

I know I should be grateful. There is SO much to be grateful for: that I have a bed, that I have the time to just sit here and type this out, that I have people who care. I'm so annoyed that I'm not feeling it. This post absolutely goes against everything this entire blog was supposed to be about, but this holiday uneasiness and gift queasiness is so befuddling to me.

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