Sunday, February 21, 2010

Impermanent selves

"Instead, there is a succession or alternation of impermanent selves, each in command part of the time, each with its own needs and desires during the time it is in command, but having--at least some of them--strong preferences about what is done during the period that another one is in command."

-Thomas Schelling, Ethics, Law, and the Exercise of Self-Command


I want letters

I remember always loving to get envelopes addressed to me. Going to the post office and and checking our PO box was the greatest thing ever. I would always ask my mom if we could go to the post office...she never understood why. Just going into the super old post office and opening our vintage-y PO box was just so exciting. Letters, at a time when bills were non-existent at that age, always meant good news. It was the best form of communication. Phone calls, on the other hand, which I still hate to this day, always meant some matter of urgency, some bad news. I liked letters in that there was no sense of urgency...because really if it's urgent news you wouldn't send it via mail. It's always a phone call. Letters, simply put, were just chill (?).I even thought that letters were just pretty--they were just so...formatted....?

To this day letters still have that same meaning. And they still are pretty. At the peak of law school admission decisions coming in, I'm checking our mailbox religiously. It's almost like an addiction. Since January I've gotten a plethora of letters--all of them thus far with good news. Offers of admissions AND money. That's a pretty damn good combo.

This month the flow of law school letters has slackened. With each mailbox opening and seeing only a stack of advertisements, I walk away disappointed. I promise myself that I won't walk towards the mailboxes for at least a few more days, hoping the end result would be a huge stack of letters, at least one of them coming from a law school congratulating me as part of the fall 2010 entering class.

"Next time...there'll be something for me."

There's absolutely no point to this post. But after receiving a generous 31k scholarship from a school that I'm no longer interested in, I can't get my mind off of getting (hopefully) more acceptances and thinking about the future. Schools are sending out waves of acceptances/rejections, and I'm so excited to get mine.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Sista, I've got it all

114 days til graduation. By the end of this quarter and by the time spring quarter starts, it'll be less than 100. This year has swept by. I can remember spring quarter and the summer just like it all happened last week. The memories are still fresh, but not fresh enough to feel like it had happened yesterday.

It's amazing.

More and more lately I've been becoming more aware of my surroundings. When you're stuck in one place for so long or all of your life, you begin to wonder what's on the outside. You don't appreciate what you already have because it's the only thing you even know of. But when you finally venture out and see what else is out there, you see new things and enjoy them, but at the same time you realize how lucky you've been all along.You compare the two, and pay more attention to the minute details of what you already had. There is beauty in everything.

I remember watching 20/20 when I was younger and people with split personalities were being interviewed. I remember being so fascinated by the whole phenomena. How can a person have two completely different identities? The brain is crazy. Somewhat relatedly, I've been wondering how it's possible to want to have things that are totally contradictory to each other. What does that mean? Is it possible to have both? Or do you only think that you want both, but in reality you only want one and don't really realize it yet? OR is it possible to have a combination of those totally contradictory things?


"When you are grateful, it is impossible to focus
on the negative and you instantly start shifting
towards a positive point of view with will automatically
start to make you feel good."

Gratitude takes practice. Life is good.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


"... everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." 

 -Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

 Time to get myself out of this funk.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

We all need some twists

I do not remember the last time I was this sick. Sunday night I felt so miserable. Sitting in LAX in those uncomfortable pleather chairs was the longest eight hours of my life. The chairs had armrests so you couldn't even lay down. I was so mad those armrests. I wanted to lay down so bad. I wanted to be in an actual bed with fleece blankets and a pillow. So, so cold. I couldn't sleep. My legs felt so restless, tired and achy as if I had been running for miles. I rocked myself back and forth in my chair to loosen then up. It didn't work. My eyes were burning. I felt weak. The routine throughout night was the same: Crouch myself into a new position, sleep for an hour, wake up, look at the time, groan at how little time has passed, find a new uncomfortable position, repeat. I told myself "When you get on the plane, it'll be ok." But the plane was all the same. This time, wedged in-between Sally and a random lady, I had less room to fidget. I thought was I was going to die.

It was a less than ideal ending to a pretty cuhrazy trip. Who knew we'd end up having to take Amtrak in Cali? Who knew we'd have to transfer? Who knew that certain things would happen? But really, this is the only way we know how to end things, right? This is what makes the trip all that more memorable. This, not the wax museum and not downtown SF, is what we'll be talking about thirty years down the road.

As a wise man once said:  

"...just another twist in the plot. ...everything is perfect."