This entire week has been a roller coaster ride. Too much is happening all at once and again I'm emotionally drained. I'm rethinking my decisions, regretting them, and hating myself.
It's amazing how much can change in such a short period of time. One moment I'm having the time of my life...doing all of these things and constantly on the go with my favorite people. I was sincerely so happy. So many memories and so much laughter.
But then all of a sudden last Sunday, it just ended. It seriously just ended in thirty seconds. I was dropped off at my new "home" and immediately I was greeted with silence and a feeling of emptiness, and I knew it would be like this for a while. I never really understood what was meant by "the silence is deafening." But when you experience weeks surrounded by people and you're actually having fun with those people and you're wishing it would never end, and then all of a sudden you're by yourself and it does come to an end, the feeling is just indescribable. I stood in the middle of my room, really unsure of what to do. I wanted to scream.
Accompanied with a few other worries that I later did get resolved, I never felt so panicked, overwhelmed, upset, scared, and alone in my entire life. I've never felt so desperate. Everything felt so unfamiliar. I've never felt so low.
Usually I always have to have something to do. And for the first time ever I feel like I have too much to do by myself. I wish I had more time and the same people around me. I wish that I didn't decide to do the summer program. I just want a break and not have a single care in the world....even if it's just for a month. People always asked me before if I'm not burnt out. I say no. Just give me more and more, I say. I'm up for it.
But now I think I'm understanding that feeling of being burnt out. I'm so tired. There are too many changes. New school, new home, new people, new environment. It's like all of a sudden, all the things I really loved are just cut out of my life and replaced with unfamiliar substitutes. Everyday this week I woke up with an empty feeling. Nothing to look forward to at all. But on top of all this, I'm facing this huge pressure...basically in law school you're starting your law career. I feel like everything has to be taken so seriously...the past few weeks though were far from being serious. Sure, I studied for undergrad finals, but at the same time I had so much fun...and now looking back, in comparison to law school, undergrad really doesn't matter anymore...How am I supposed to deal with this huge transition?
A few months ago, or even one month ago, I was so excited to start the summer program. It seemed perfect. Get used to law school with one class, do well since you're just focusing on one thing, and lessen the workload in the fall. It still IS perfect. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to do it. Somehow though, I'm still regretting it.
I'm writing this basically to organize my thoughts. With all this change happening I haven't had the time to just sit down and think. Everything seems so far away and out of reach. As a result, I'm losing perspective and I get all of these mixed emotions about everything. Every little thing seems to annoy and frustrate me now, even though I know it doesn't matter. Perspective and how you choose to look at things is everything. It matters so much.
There is really no organization in this post even though I just said I'm writing to organize my thoughts. But this is how my thoughts are right now....it's a jumbled mess.I just need to get it out.
In five weeks I will have finished my first class of law school. I need to be determined and stay strong. There is no room for mess-ups...especially in this first year. Hopefully one year from now...things will be a bit like how they used to be...